New Year, New Challenges!
I’m going to be totally honest with you. Because hey, this is Girl UNFILTERED, right?
I’m scared s***less right now.
I’m out of my comfort zone.
I spent most of the Christmas period in tears, hiding my light and shrouding myself in a cloak of self-protection.
I flew home to England for the Christmas period. I get so excited to see my family and spend time with my dog. And I love the endless cups of teas and home-cooking. Home in England is a distant world from my life in LA. And I love the contrast.
As long as I know I’m leaving again!
But then talk started to happen about me changing my flight and staying in England. Not forever, but until I’d completed my book publicity tour over here (so basically for a good couple of months!) It made practical sense. It made financial sense. But man did my Little Miss Critical want to pop up her annoying head!
“You’re going to be miserable if you stay here.”
“Why would you waste your time doing that?”
“This is like a death sentence.”
“You’re going backwards, not forwards if you do this.”
All these fears started to come up. So much so, that I wasn’t able to think logically or even give my book publicist a straight answer. I got really short with my mum. I started to blame her for things that really had nothing to do with her. I started to look for proof that I had a reason to resent my home and family.
Basically, I regressed into this fearful child that acted as if somebody had just put her under house arrest and taken away all her favorite toys.
It wasn’t until I started to process my emotions for a few days that a massive lightbulb went off!
You see, so many of my difficult memories have existed at home here in England.
Everyday at home, I pass the mirrors that, in the past, I used to look in as a teenager with hate and loathing.
I use the bathroom that I spent many a time throwing up in.
I sleep in the bed that I used to cry myself to sleep in.
I associate being here in the countryside with being trapped and feeling lost.
Except, none of that is true anymore.
I’ve kicked my eating disorder in the butt. I now massively celebrate my body. And I have an amazing and exciting life. I live in Los Angeles where I’m surrounded by people I love. I have two movies coming out and a book I’m so proud to promote.
So, why was I still feeling all these emotions around staying home for a couple of months?
Because, I hadn’t healed one of the final self-loving steps on my journey. I hadn’t nurtured and sent loving energy to the younger version of myself who had lived day-to-day, not knowing that there was a light at the end of the tunnel.
I had escaped to LA and totally associated sunny Cali life with my freedom, recovery and happiness.
But now I’m faced with a big challenge. Can I feel that way, living in the place where I had previously experienced a lot of pain? Without needing to escape!
And, there was my lightbulb!
This was a new healing challenge for me.
It’s time to heal the memories I have here and to comfort the younger version of myself, by showing her the strength of who I am now. In the present.
It’s time to find strength in knowing deeply that I choose to bring my happiness and self-love wherever I go. Instead of it relying on my location.
And when I started to no longer look at the next two months as a prison sentence, but as an incredible journey of healing - all those dark emotions lifted.
I’m now so grateful that I have a safe and loving home in which to focus on my work, spread my message and work even more deeply on myself.
I’m grateful I’m able to restore some of the relationships that had been damaged by my eating disorder. And I am so grateful that I get the opportunity to restore my relationship with England and with my home.
So my question for you is….
When you are feeling deep and strong emotions erupting inside of you, how much of that stems from the present moment that you are physically in?
And how much of that is a result of unhealed and open wounds from your past?
It took me physically being brought back to the location of my previous painful memories for me to realize that I was still holding onto fear and resentment. And I think we all know how toxic those two emotions can be!
I am so grateful for that lesson because it’s giving me the ability to heal some of those wounds that I didn’t realize were still open.
Here is a healing challenge that I’d love for us to do together:
When a fear or scary emotion pops up, ask yourself these questions:
WHY am I feeling this?
WHAT has triggered me to feel like this?
3. Is there a time in my past, that I can remember first feeling like this?
4. Am I reacting this way, because I am still holding onto something from my past?
5. If the answer is no, focus on sending love and light to your situation in the present moment. But if the answer is YES, go back to that memory and imagine your younger self in front of you. Surround her with a beautiful bubble of golden light. Imagine her feeling this light warm her skin, making her feel safe and protected.
I know you’re hurting right now, but I promise everything is going to be ok.
You are safe and you are protected.
You no longer need to hold onto this pain.
When you feel that she has heard this message, open your eyes and take a big deep breath. This is something you can do throughout your day, without putting any pressure on yourself. Simply give permission to yourself for those emotions to lift, knowing that you’re safe without them.
This is something I will be doing with you every day! Lord knows, I’ve needed it over the past few weeks! But I’m ready to let go of more of this unnecessary baggage and to love the girl that lived here in cold, rainy England feeling lost and alone. Because, I now know I was strong enough to walk to the light at the end of my tunnel.
You are too.
Love and light always,